I Hate Spanx

The other day I was at the store and I saw them selling Spanx. For those of you who don't know what Spanx are they are footless pantyhose that are designed to basically smooth out your body to prevent panty lines and cellulite from showing through your clothes. They had them on sale at the Lane Bryant where they were showing a video of various stars, from Jessica Alba to Queen Latifah, who were all on the red carpet extolling the virtues of Spanx.

I looked down at my thighs and thought, "Self, you are super sexy but a little smoothing out wouldn't hurt anything. That would be a much more professional look for work too...having your coworkers see your panty lines is just not appropriate!"

Then I looked at the price. $28 for pantyhose! These had better be freaking magical pantyhose for $28! I put them down and started to walk away but then I caught the video out of the corner of my eye again. The women all looked so smooth and elegant. I want to look smooth and elegant! So I picked up a package, verified that they were the correct size according to the chart on the back and bought them so that I too could appear cellulite free because these did indeed appear to be magical pantyhose.

Flash forward to this morning when I am getting ready for work. I pull out the package of Spanx and open them, getting ready to be the sleek, smooth woman I am told I can be by the outside of the package. These were special Spanx too, designed to cover love handles and such on your tummy as well so I was super excited.

They were maybe 18 inches long and 5 or 6 inches wide. I looked down at my ass and laughed at the thought that I would be able to squeeze into that but then I thought about my smooth, streamlined figure and I proceeded to force myself into them. (If you want the appropriate mental image, imagine squeezing all of the toothpaste out of the tube and then trying to put it back in again.) It took about 10 minutes but I finally got them on properly before I discovered the pee hole. That's right, they knew that it would be so difficult to get in and out of Spanx that they added a hole in the crotch so you don't have to take them off to pee. Better line everything up correctly though or you will spend the rest of the day in urine soaked pantyhose!

Well, I wasn't going to pee through the pee hole but they will still serve their purpose right? I walked around for a minute or two to see how they would react over the course of the day and found that the legs rolled up and the top rolled down any time I bent at the waist. So now here I am in the world's most expensive pantyhose dealing with rolling up ends and a pee hole.

I took them off and put on normal undergarments before I went to work because I am not insane. But now I am pissed as hell because these are the most expensive pantyhose ever and I can't return them now that I opened them so I am basically out $28 for 10 minutes of tormenting myself this morning.